Kash Patel is MAGA’s truest wizard.

On January 21, 2025By Littum

This is part of Hello TrumpworldSlate’s reluctant guide to the people who want to take action now — at least while they last in Washington.

hi mr Patel!

Welcome back to the federal government. President-elect Donald Trump has named you as his new FBI Director, replacing Christopher Wray (Trump’s previous appointment to that post) before his term expires. If you are confirmed, you will become one of the most powerful people in the country, so it seems important that your fellow Americans know a little more about you. Here are some things I’ve gleaned from your public statements that I’m told don’t “count” because they were merely spoken on television or written publicly, but please let me know if any of this is off-putting to your general worldview:

1. You hate the press and have plans for us.

Like you said just before the last election: “We’re coming together to take on the most powerful enemy America has ever seen, and no, it’s not Washington, DC, it’s the mainstream media and these people out there in the fake news. That’s our mission!”
You also threatened to sue former Mike Pence aide Olivia Troye (you not the defendant her) when she said on MSNBC that you would “lie about intelligence” and “lie about making things up about operations” during your time working together in the White House. Please don’t sue me for this article as none of it “counts” as I only wrote it publicly.

2. You especially hate the parts of the press that don’t believe Trump won the 2020 election.

“We’re going to go after people in the media who lied about American citizens who helped Joe Biden rig the presidential election,” you told Steve Bannon in 2023. “We’re going to come after you, whether it’s criminal or civil. We’ll find out. But yes, we are making you all aware.” duly noted.

3. You hate the FBI, DOJ, CIA and all the people you think are part of the Deep State.

“I would shut down the FBI Hoover building on day one and reopen it the next day as a museum of the ‘deep state,'” you said of your plans for the agency in September. “Then I would take the 7,000 employees that work in that building and send them across America to hunt down criminals. Go be a cop. You’re cops—be cops.”

You have that said that senior officials who were not subordinate to Trump, including Attorney General Merrick Garland, must pay a price or risk imprisonment.
Your book from 2023, Government gangstershave one list of enemies of 60 people who you describe as “members of the Executive Branch Deep State.” Most of them have stood up to Trump (or you) in the past. That is their only common transgression.

Government gangsters also describes the officials who make up the deep state as “swamp creatures,” “hateful mandarins” and “dirtbags.”

4. In fairness, they hate you too.

Your former supervisor (and Deputy National Security Advisor) Charles Kupperman called you “unreliable” and “absolutely unqualified.”

When Trump considered you for FBI director in his first term, then-Attorney General Bill Barr said it would happen “over my dead body.”

When, in the last weeks of the last Trump administration, Trump planned to appoint you as deputy director of the CIA, Gina Haspel, the head of the agency, immediately threatened to resign.

5. You like Donald Trump.

You authored the Nunes memoa wildly overhyped and massively discredited partisan hit job on the FBI’s investigation into the Trump campaign during the 2016 election.

You authored a children’s book about Trump where he is an unelected permanent monarch and you, a magical wizard, are his sole defender and savior.

You told it Breitbart news you saw Trump verbally declassify “entire sets of materials” before leaving the office of the presidency and testifying in the Trump classified documents case. You then appeared in 2022 before the Washington grand jury investigating Trump’s hoarding of classified documents at his Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida after receiving immunity for your testimony.

A Colorado court found that you were “not a credible witness” when you testified on Trump’s behalf in a January 6 riot trialthat stated that Trump had pre-authorized 10,000 to 20,000 troops to deploy days before the attack.

He Likes You Too: “A lot of people say he’s crazy,” is Donald Trump reported to have said about you. “I think he’s a little crazy. But sometimes you need a little crazy.”

6. You like the rebels.

You helped produce -one literal ode to them!

7. You also like merch.

You launched Fight with Kashan organization that funds defamation lawsuits by selling branded socks, T-shirts and other clothing with the “K$H” logo. This merch includes “the official K$h wine!” ($233.99 for six bottles); “Fight With Kash Punisher Intarsia Reversible Scarf” ($25); “TAKE A LAP RHINO tank tops” ($35); Kash Krew Golf Polos ($50–$53); and the “GOVERNMENT GANGSTER Playing Cards” ($19.99).

You have been sells a dietary supplement that claims to be a COVID vaccine “detoxification system”. Warrior Essentials, maker of the product, told NBC News that “while the so-called ‘experts’ who ignored vaccine harm and pushed failed policies struggle to defend their narratives, we provide real, science-backed solutions that have already helped thousands regain their health.”

8. You like truth.

IN Government gangstersyou describe yourself as “leading the prosecutorial effort at Main Justice in Washington, DC,” in the Benghazi case, which is pursuing the terrorists responsible for the September 11, 2012 attacks in Libya. “I was the lead prosecutor for Benghazi,” Patel said in a YouTube interview. This was not true. As NBC News subsequently reported: “The Ministry of Justice’s announcement from 2017 that the Libyan (Ahmed Abu Khattala) had been charged with the attack and off his conviction in a federal trial in 2019 do not list Patel as the lead prosecutor or as part of the prosecution team.”

You are one QAnon enthusiast. “There is much good in much of it,” you have said. And, “We’re just blown away by the amount of acumen some of these people have.” And, “If it’s Q or whatever movement gets that information out, I’m all for it, any day of the week.”

When you had a serious role in national security, it wasn’t pretty. The Atlantic’s Elaina Plott Calabro reported that Trump’s Secretary of Defense Mark Esper believes you forged an approval from him for a rescue mission in West Africa in 2020. It almost ended in disaster. As Plott Calabro reported, “Anthony Tata, the Pentagon official and retired Army general to whom Patel had originally given the go-ahead, confronted Patel in a rage. ‘You could have had these guys killed!’ Tata yelled, according to two people familiar with the exchange. “What the hell were you thinking?” Your reported response was, “If nobody got hurt, who the hell cares?”

He is the one you have told the world that you are Mr. Patel, and he’s the one Donald Trump wants to put in charge of the nation’s most powerful federal law enforcement agency; someone who wants to put us all at risk and then reply, “Who the hell cares?”

You are someone who has carved out all Americans into worthless enemies and untouchable loyalists in a way that scales effortlessly from children’s books to scarves, to vaccine-reversing drugs, to hit songs, to consulting fees, to a memoir, to possible perjury. You have a specified enemy list and will soon have the resources to destroy all life. That you will soon be in charge of the unit that investigates and prosecutes America’s sworn, mortal enemies is so perfect for the moment it could be the plot of a children’s book. A children’s book about a powerful king and his one humble, loyal one sorcerer.