He announces the Super Bowl, Chip Kelly rattled him out, and Gisele Born: Just another Week in Tom Brady’s life

Diamond pictures. Getty Images.

One of the big last lines of movies is from one of my desert island films, Patton. It is after the war. The General’s Army has been dissolved. His part of the great saga is at an end. He is aware that an old war horse like him has no role to play in the new world that is coming. And in Voiceover he holds this speech:

For over a thousand years, Roman conquerors who returned from wars enjoyed the honor of a triumph – a swelling parade. In the procession, trumpeters and musicians and strange animals came from the conquered territories along with wagons filled with treasure and caught weapons. The Conqueror rode in a triumph wagon, the dazzled prisoners who went in chains in front of him. Sometimes his children stood, robbed in white, with him in the wagon or rode track horses. A slave was behind the conqueror and held a golden crown and whispered in his ear a warning: that all glory is fleeting.

I bring it up now because the last sentence has just come to think of. And because I realize that while it may have been true to Roman conquerors and World War II, it is not true for every great man. It’s definitely not true for the greatest of all of us, Tom Brady. Here we are two-plus years since he threw his last official passport, and that’s what he has been involved in:

The man who helped make him great will name the most prestigious team honor in all sports after him:

He has successfully replaced the most popular and celebrated TV analyst in the industry:

Thus, he is allegedly drawn not only Olsen’s anger, but a significant part of Pro Football World says he has to leave Fox Sports because he does not both analyze the Super Bowl and own a piece of Las Vegas Raiders:

And it was only a warm -up this week. Just a little resistance band training to loosen him for what was going to come. First, Brady had not denied any involvement in the daily operation in Vegas:

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… than he got Chip Kelly, who was hired by Raiders and immediately put his foot in his mouth. On no insecure terms, Brady’s coverage blows that volunteering work that the goat was Mark Davis’ point man in the interview process:

Probably contrary to half a dozen rules introduced to allow a minority owner of a team to call games on one of NFL’s beloved “broadcast partners.”

Now for your average, ordinary star athlete, who settled through the first years of their pension, it would be enough drama in a lifetime. For this historic figure, however, it is just a prelude. We are talking about a man who gives more headlines before rolling out of bed in the morning than most celebrities do in life. And even without playing an active role in this story, he is still the biggest part of it:

Source – Gisele Bündchen has expanded his family … The supermodel gave birth to her third child, her first with boyfriend Joaquim Valente … TMZ has learned.

We are told that Gisele is super happy – and mom and the baby are healthy. It is unclear when the new bundle arrived, but we are told that it was recently. …

(O) Sources of the watch said Gisele and JV had to wait for the birth to find out if they had a girl or boy. It is currently unclear which one.

Let me just share my sincere congratulations to the happy family. Mother and child are doing well, which makes this really a blessed event.

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But let me also add that it never happened to me to call it HomeWrecker Joaquim Valente, “cf.” In fact, it couldn’t be more appropriate.

Now I return to Varsity, just let me repeat what I said when Gisele’s pregnancy was first announced:

So good for her. Good for the happy couple. Good for Brady Bundchen, who is undoubtedly excited to have a new sibling. And of course, good for Brady, who hears from his ex much less when she has made a newborn occupy every second of her free time. …

But the one person in this dynamic that I am not doing well is the unborn baby. …

How about being in a family of children who became the father of a genetically perfect metahuman? How is you sharing a home with older siblings hitting the DNA Powerball jackpot? It doesn’t matter how beautiful and successful your jiu jitsu dad can be. When you eat your fruity pebbles across the breakfast table from offspring to Tom Farking Brady, you are driving the litter. Any child would be.

The fruit of Joaquim Valente’s loins is being born in an impossible situation. He or she becomes Tyriann Lannister from the family. Filch from Hogwarts, born of magical parents but has no own magical powers. One of the smaller superheroes from The boys Homelander is being pushed because they have no ability to stand up against him. …

Good luck trying to get control of the TV or want to play another video game when your brother or sister gets to say, “Let’s put it in a vote. If your dad who won seven Super Bowls, lift your hand. Oh, just us? Ok, let’s try this. Who Dad brought a comeback from down 28-3? Not you? Oh. I say we let anyone whose father’s name were in the title of a movie where four legendary Hollywood old bags travel all over the country to see him playing what to see.

Sorry, baby. You will have to find out this sooner or later, so it might as well be from me in a satirical blog. Life is unfair. You will undoubtedly be loved by your steps and half-siblings, but the hard reality is your father is not their father. Part of this “life is unfair” applies to their father, for whom every day brings him fame and honor and being at the center of attention through all aspects of American culture. And there is not one thing that you, Greg Olsen or the rest of the NFL can do about.

On behalf of the human race, we wish you nothing but the best. But you will never be this guy.