Mikel Arteta, matchballs and Arsenal excuses that just fly differently | Soccer

BREAKING NEWS… BREAKING NEWS…

West Ham have finally asked Julen Lopetegui to show himself through the door marked Do One … as soon as he finishes training. Yes, awkward is the word. Graham Potter, possibly hiding around the corner from Rush Green, is set to take over after being offered a longer two-and-a-half year deal. “The first half of the 2024-2025 season has not been in line with the club’s ambitions and the club has therefore taken action in line with its objectives,” a West Ham statement said.

TALKING BALLS

After Arsenal’s 2-0 first leg defeat to Newcastle in the Milk Cup semi-final, Mikel Arteta leafed through his big book of excuses and sat down. Not the anatomical subset that some observers might suggest his wayward finishers lacked, or the randomized porcelain marbles that left his team facing the in-form Magpies rather than, say, Tottenham in a two-legged battle for Wembley. No, Arteta was talking about the actual match ball, which he suggested was at least partly responsible for his misfiring Gunners sending 20 of their 23 shots high or well over the target.

“It’s just different,” gushed Arteta of the Puma-made ball. “Very different to a Premier League ball and you have to adapt to it because it flies differently,” he muttered, pouting Orbita 1 (RRP £100) like an ear float outside a gas station. “When you touch it, the grip is also very different, so you adjust to that.” It will be the 3D textured 1.2mm PU surface that offers improved durability and aerodynamics. And what is this? According to Puma, the Orbita’s unique 8-panel configuration actually creates bigger panels to better connection with the ball. Oh, Mikel! You’ve embarrassed yourself there.

As well as showing that he really is a manager made in Pep Guardiola’s image, Arteta also did something of a disservice to Alexander Isak and Anthony Gordon, both of whom somehow managed to force Puma’s ugly monstrosity into the Arsenal net. Isak’s finish was particularly impressive, sand-wedge over David Raya and off the bar – extending his scoring run to 14 goals in 15 games dating back to his winner against Arsenal back in November. If you had to choose a striker to convert a scoring chance to save your life, right now you would probably choose Isak – as opposed to e.g. anyone who wears red on tuesday night.

All of this highlights the fact that Isak is exactly what Arsenal need: a quick, smart and clinical striker, and also just a chill guy who doesn’t really give a flying one. The lanky forward will surely star in a straight-for-ITVX buddy cop drama alongside Gordon one day (with Eddie Howe as the increasingly irritated police chief). Before then, Newcastle will have a cup final to attend unless Arsenal can sharpen their ability to break the ball up. As Arteta scans the outer surface of Orbita 1 (color form: dandelion), we are left with questions. Firstly: Can a Tottenham-Newcastle final actually happen? Or would the guarantee of one of these clubs winning a major trophy rip a hole in our universe? Also: at what point in Newcastle’s feelgood, freewheeling run are we going to talk about, you know, the thing? And most importantly: when did Carabao start making Tin? Maybe Jason Tindall snuck a box into the home dressing room; it would make more sense than anything Arteta has come up with.

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE

Join Rob Smyth from 20:00 GMT for hot minute-by-minute coverage of Tottenham 2-3 Liverpool in the first leg of their Milk Cup semi-final.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Of course he wanted to. Anyone would want to – so would I. His grandmother was born in Liverpool and we have relatives in Liverpool and we were lucky to know quite a few of the Beatles because they grew up with some of my family. So we’re linked to Liverpool, you know” – Errol Musk comes up with all sorts of emotional reasons why his son would be ready to buy the Premier League leaders. The way he goes on, we’re guessing the Musk family originated on Scottie Road, had regular knees up in Grafton, had their chippy tea in the Lobster Pot and knew all the words to poor Scouser Tommy.

‘We kicked a lot of balls over the crossbar and it’s hard for these balls to fly a lot’ reminds me of the old definition of chutzpah; a boy who kills his parents and then asks the judge for a lighter sentence because he is an orphan” – Noble Francis.

Paul Scholes (and many others) go toe-to-toe with Big Sir Jim Ratcliffe (yesterday’s Football Daily, full email edition). Has everyone forgotten who still owns most of the club? In return for selling 28.9% of Manchester United, the Glazers have managed to divert 100% of the negative attention – and pocket more than £1bn. in the process. Cynically brilliant business as usual from that family” – Adam Elder.

Should Nottingham Forest start believing in Leicester-like miracles (yesterday’s Football Daily)? More to the point, if they do a Leicester, so what? See Leicester” – Bruce Ellis.

Alec Johns should have received today’s letter yesterday. May I just take a moment to acknowledge his astonishing feat of memory. I’m sure I’m not the only one out of 1,057 wondering how the hell he remembered to? Does he have an encyclopedic memory of all Big Paper/website content from the past few decades? If so, good luck metabolizing all the weirdly frequent articles about whether we can cheat aging and achieve immortality, or is it simply that it was the only memorable and interesting thing he read in the Big Paper/Website for 14 years ? Anyway, subscribing to the daily teasing Output from the Daily must be mental torture, so hats off to strength” – Jon Millard.

Send letters to [email protected]. Today’s winner of our worthless letter of the day is… Adam Elder. Terms and conditions for our competitions – when we have them – can be seen here.